Nightingale & Sparrow

Category: Prose

  • The Fall of Icarus

    The Fall of Icarus

    Mel D. Sullivan

    The fire burned faster than Meta expected. It started at four in the morning, igniting somewhere in Helicon Hall’s neglected basement. By five, all three floors of the mansion were aflame, the windows bright orange squares against the black March sky. From her spot on the hill with David, Meta watched Upton going from group to shivering group, determining if anyone was lost. So far, it appeared he’d been lucky.  

    Her husband had always been lucky. His early novels were commercial and artistic failures, but when The Jungle was published to equal parts acclaim and outrage, he’d finally gained the followers he desired. During the winter of 1906, he’d traveled to New York to parties and concerts, lecturing on industrial exploitation while Meta and five-year-old David remained in New Jersey in the cabin Upton had never finished. When he returned on the weekends, he paced the twelve feet of their kitchen, his boots knocking against the uneven floor boards that let in the wind no matter how Meta stuffed them with newspapers and straw.

    “Artists were not meant to live like this,” Upton decreed, as Meta wiped their son’s feverish face. “The drudgery of life kills creativity.” Meta pursed her lips and looked over to her desk, piled high with doctor’s bills, the pages from her half-started novel completely covered, and fetched another damp cloth from the basin.  

    “What if,” Upton whispered, after David had fallen into a fitful sleep and Meta had extinguished the kerosene lamp. “What if artists could live collectively, with trained experts overseeing all domestic responsibilities. In a true utopia, there would be no need for servants or masters. Just equality and independence of thought. You could write again, too.” Meta grunted and then turned toward the wall, knowing that a vision at night might fade by morning.

    But luck and the new mania for Progressivism favored Upton, and after a few well-publicized meetings, subscriptions poured in from artists who wanted to, for twenty-five dollars a share, buy a world where all meals would be cooked in a central kitchen and children looked after in a collective nursery. With the subscribers’ cash and $15,000 of his own royalties, Upton purchased Helicon Hall in Englewood, a former boys’ school with three floors of rooms, and ambitiously scheduled the grand opening for the following October. 

    By the time the first residents arrived, it was clear that some details had been overlooked. No one of suitable education, politics and temperament could be persuaded to tutor the subscribers’ thirteen children, and the artists couldn’t agree if eggs should be served every Sunday. Meta organized the women so that food was cooked and laundry was done, while Upton stalked the halls, offering his opinion on Mrs. Kimball’s latest illustration and shouting at Professor Noyes about Gilman’s recent lecture on the changing role of the home in America. Most nights, Meta fell into bed well past midnight, completely spent.

    By New Year, it was agreed that a serventless approach was unworkable, and Meta hired a couple of young poets as unskilled handymen in exchange for room and board. Upton then introduced Anna, who Meta immediately liked because of her no-nonsense reform dress and proposed schedule for rotating the kitchen duties among the residents. That Upton was also drawn to Anna did not bother her much. Helicon Hall already had a reputation as a den of radicals and free love, which was only somewhat deserved, and Meta had found herself in the arms of one or two of the poets, who turned out to be skilled at some things. Above all, Meta prided herself on her practicality.  

    By February, it appeared that the experiment might possibly succeed. Upton had left all managerial issues to Anna and Meta, and remained in his private office for hours, writing pages of a sequel which he claimed would be even more explosive than its predecessor. He was so concerned that his work would be lost or sabotaged, each afternoon he locked his office with a specially made key, the only copy of which he kept on his person at all times.

    But things could not last, Meta thought, as she cut biscuits in the kitchen. Her Upton was an Icarus, destined to fly high only to fall. It was simply a matter of time.

    The cause of the conflagration was never determined, though it was suggested that an overturned candle or lamp was the likely culprit. Upton showed up at the inquest, his head still bandaged, and claimed that the Steel Trust was plotting to put an end to his latest investigations, a theory which was summarily dismissed by the inspectors. Only one worker died – Lester Briggs, a carpenter’s apprentice, who was known as a heavy sleeper. The property loss was total, the hall itself condemned, and the utopia disbanded as the artists fled back to the city.  

    “But our true loss,” her husband told the press, “is the loss of the art created and yet to be created under Helicon’s roof.”

    When Upton reached Meta, the night of the fire, before he asked about anything else – their son, her welfare, any of the others – he asked if she had been able to rescue his pages.

    “How?” Meta asked. “You held the key.”

    As tears fell from Upton’s eyes, making tracks in his soot-covered face, Meta turned back to the fire, which had broken through the roof.  

    Though the fire was quick, its start was not, which again was lucky. The nursery was evacuated first, the children all dropped into blankets, and only a few of the adults had been seriously injured. Mrs. Kimball, who was among the last to be located, had descended on a thin rope made of her nightgown and walked the grounds naked until Professors Noyes offered his overcoat. Even Meta, exhausted after her day in the kitchen, had time to climb four staircases and lay silent between her sleeping husband and son before the first curl of smoke came under the door.

    Mel D. Sullivan

  • Adrift

    Adrift

    Robin Anna Smith

    Sunday, the day we go to visit Grandma—the day I dread all week. I ask my mother if I can go to a friend’s house or stay home. As always, she rejects my plea, states that we are the only family who visits, that Grandma’s lonely and looks forward to seeing us.

    Grandma lives in a tiny apartment in a building that looks like a run-down motel. The gravel parking lot matches the tone of her voice—rough and uneven. Her apartment is hot and stagnant. It has a signature scent: cigarette smoke is the top note, floating above the heart note of a neighbor’s meal cooking, and the base note of cockroaches.

    At thirteen years old, I’ve never known Grandma to be happy. Her smiles look like lies, her cackle unconvincing. As someone affected by depression, I recognize it plainly. Thin and frail, I rarely see her stand. Sunk into a nicotine-stained couch, she chain-smokes and sucks oxygen from a green tank that I’ve never seen her without. Her commitment to smoking speaks to her infidelity to life, to us.

    When she’s taken to the hospital, family comes from all over. Outside the ICU, we sit and watch the clock as my relatives argue and assign blame.

    After she passes, we take her ashes to scatter in the Gulf of Mexico. My family cries for our loss while I sob with relief for her escape.

    beach baptism . . .
    a seagull swings
    from a sunray

    Robin Anna Smith

  • Ascending Cliffs in the Distance

    Ascending Cliffs in the Distance

    Jeffrey Yamaguchi

    An endless beach, truly. Miles upon miles of sand, sea, and cliffs. Not another person in sight. I was alone with my body and my thoughts, one foot in front of the other, feet sinking into the ocean soaked sands.

    The alone part, wonderful. The thoughts, not so good. The clichés ricocheted inside my head, each effort to break out of this line of thinking just reinforcing and cycling back into itself the inherent problem 

    Is this a dream?
    This is like a dream.
    This is a dream come true.
    I feel as if I am one with nature.
    The ocean and the sky are as close to forever as I’ll ever know.
    Like a dream.

    Someone else says these things, you roll your eyes. You say them to yourself and you want to pull your eyes out of your own head. But I kept reaching for the clichés, because the other places my mind would trip itself into were very specific — too specific, in fact, about the nonessential but nonetheless highly stressful elements of the ongoing nonspecific nature of the work that I (we) do and from which I had made a vehement point of taking a break from:

    The nonsensical clarification of a confusing explanation from an ongoing conversation at a regularly scheduled and always running-long meeting.

    The repeated generalized ask for more creative for the more creative aspects of our most creative work.

    The conference call invite details for a discussion about a better process for our debriefs after important conference calls.

    It’s as if I was actually still at my desk staring at a screensaver of the beach that I was walking upon right at that very moment.

    That is when I saw the birds.

    In a dynamic formation the birds trailed up the edges of the glistening sea and danced with the continual roll and crash of waves, sheer elegance in the way they lifted their wings ever so slightly above the frothy waters in flux. They flew over me in a drift, and as soon as they passed, the speed of their traverse seemed to rapidly accelerate. I stopped and watched their flight to further. In the distance they shifted their trajectory and ascended the steep walls of the cliffs, whipping themselves out of view, beyond the vantage of my sight. They were gone, and my mind was set to glide as I imagined the birds continuing on with their flight.

    I wanted this, to reach the cliffs and to see what is on the other side, and then to carry on, out of sight and aloft, heading ever higher and further into the unknown spaces of beyond.

    There is no one to report what happened next. This is the true beauty of taking a walk alone that is long and far enough away — to get to the point where the things you (don’t) think and the places you (don’t) delve into and the (non)decisions you decide (not) to make are truly and wholeheartedly yours and yours alone. 

    I did not see the birds again. But I kept on moving, and I did reach the cliffs. And once I reached the cliffs, I continued on with the journey.

    I am still there, sometimes, not always. I never find myself if I have to look. 

    Watch them disappear
    keep moving and get closer
    to not being there

    Ascending Cliffs in the Distance

    Jeffrey Yamaguchi

  • The Inertia of Wings

    The Inertia of Wings

    Ray Ball

    The past couple of weeks my work as a historian of the sixteenth and seventeenth-century Spanish empire has taken me from my home in Anchorage, Alaska to Palermo in Sicily. I’m here conducting archival research for a book about a duke and duchess. They were Spanish nobles, but they lived for most of the 1610s in what historians often refer to as Spanish Italy. I spend seven to eight hours a day in a former convent sifting through manuscripts and trying to piece together the patronage and information networks that this elite couple created in order to benefit the crown and themselves.

    This is my first time in Palermo. It’s an enchanting city. Some might call it scruffy or in disrepair, but it has charmed me with its layers of architectural styles, its hundreds of churches – some lavish and others sparse, its narrow cobblestone streets, and its delicious food. My problem is not with the way traffic darts aggressively or the street life that carries what the Sicilians call la vucciria up to my window at night. It’s with my own ability to talk. I’m essentially fluent in Spanish and can read Italian fairly well, but my speaking is wretched. I want my words to soar. Instead, they trip off my tongue. I wonder if the stone lions that adorn the Teatro Massimo hear me mangle words. Their stone visages show no sign.

    The first few days about half the people I speak to assume that I am Spanish and the rest think I’m an English speaker. The past week, that ratio has shifted so that almost everyone now concludes I’m American after I’ve spoken a few words. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse about my language abilities. On the one hand, it might mean my grasp of certain words and phrases has improved and now I’m not lapsing into the more familiar tones and cadences of Castilian. On the other hand, there is something disappointing about their responses that I can’t quite put my finger on. Most people have been very nice. I try to take comfort in that I’m probably doing better than many foreigners. Maybe not the Dutch, but certainly better than most Americans. Yet, because I’m not here as a tourist but rather as a historian, I feel a pressure to be able to speak better than I do.

    At the archives where I consult seventeenth-century tomes, the staff has kindly put up with my pidgin mix of Italian, accidental Spanish, and hand gestures. One day I am ill and can hardly manage to speak at all, but one of the archivists graciously offers to pack up my documents and reseal them with the complicated tying methods used in many European archives. I almost cry because of this kindness.

    In spite of this graciousness or perhaps because of it, I wish I could articulate my thanks with greater sophistication. Since I was a child, I have considered Italian to be a beautiful language. The language of the operas my father loved. In fact, when I was in college, I took a semester of it. But the professor was so rude that it was a miserable class. You’ve probably heard of hate fucking? Well, I hate earned an A in that class. And after the climax, I swore I would never see the Sicilian woman who taught it ever again. I went on to take three semesters of German, which has since nearly completely atrophied due to lack of use.

    Looking back, I’m not sure my instructor was all that mean. Demanding, sure. Rigid, yes. Still, with that perfect clarity that hindsight offers, I wish I had stuck with it and taken at least another semester. Maybe then I would be able to correctly conjugate some verbs in the past tense. Even as I think this, I know I wasn’t predisposed to the kind of emotional growth learning a foreign language demands. As you remake your vocabulary, a new you emerges. In the fall of 1999 I wasn’t capable of it. I was stuck in a quagmire of grief and depression. I wasn’t ready to claw myself out yet either.

    My father had passed suddenly and unexpectedly away the previous winter. My mother had just started on a road to recovery from substance abuse. My sister and I barely knew how to communicate. I was devastated and pretending to hold it all together. No, I was far too vulnerable to be vulnerable, and that is what learning a language requires. It demands discipline but also a willingness to make mistakes. To make space for the embarrassment of when you accidentally utter something vulgar instead of simply saying “I am going for a run.” Back then I feared a single mistake would cause me to unspool.

    Now I am making lots of mistakes. Even though I know the word in Italian, I can only think of the Spanish word for driving while I’m speaking to a taxi driver. I mix up tenses and use words that are outdated because I’ve been reading seventeenth-century letters, contracts, petitions, and wills all day long. My mouth struggles to mimic the accented vowels and rhythmic deliverance of the locals. But with each mistake I somehow feel lighter, less burdened. And there is progress, too. While standing awestruck before the glittering mosaics of Monreale, I understand almost everything a tour guide is saying in Italian. I manage to converse with a couple from Milan for the better part of an hour before my brain shatters. One evening another of the archivists and I go out for drink. We take turns speaking in Italian and English. His English is far better than my Italian, but I try not to mind. The next day I watch birds taking off from the domes of the churches and later look up the words for pigeon, raven, seagull, and dove. Falcon, I already know.

    At night I dream vivid dreams of participating in a triathlon with only a bathing suit, or heading to the starting line of a marathon I haven’t trained for, or realizing I need to be at the airport while my clothes are in the washer at the laundry mat. Not very subtle. But then I also dream about being the recipient of a gift of silk from a noble or about conversing with friends in Spanish with a few Italian words mixed in. I wake smiling.

    Ray Ball

  • A Mother’s Love

    A Mother’s Love

    Kimberly Wolkens

    Sarah had been sick with the flu for what seemed like forever. It was really only for two whole days so far, but to a six-year-old, it felt like an eternity. She’d missed yesterday’s Halloween party at school because of her illness, which added insult to injury. Her mother tried to console her by saying there will be several more Halloween parties in her lifetime, but that did nothing to smooth out the ripples of disappointment for poor Sarah.

    On the second day, she lay in her mother’s bed, cross at the world. She was mad that she couldn’t go to school. She was mad that she couldn’t go outside and play with her siblings when they got home from school. But what made her the maddest was being confined to bed, ordered to rest, told to stay under the covers. It was boring. Even though her mother did her best to bring her books or games or stuffed animals in between household chores, Sarah just didn’t feel like doing anything. Nothing pleased her.

    For a while she occupied her mind by studying her mother’s beautiful quilt. The quilt had no two squares alike. She would look at all of the fabric patterns and debate over which pattern was her favorite. She settled on a square with a baby blue background that was dotted with tiny birds, wings out in flight. She wished she were like one of those birds, just floating through a cloudless sky. Eventually the quilt became boring to her, and she tossed it aside in frustration, only to be reminded minutes later by her mother to put the quilt back on so that she wouldn’t get the chills.

    She was miserable.

    One time when her mom came in to take her temperature, Sarah complained bitterly about being trapped in bed.

    “Mama, I wish I could get out of bed. I wish I could fly, like these birds,” Sarah said, pointing to her favorite square.

    Her Mama leaned over to study Sarah’s favorite square. “Ah, yes. That square came from a dress your grandma used to wear when she was young. It is very beautiful.” She put her hand on Sarah’s forehead. Her hand felt cool against Sarah’s hot forehead. “You’re not as feverish, but you need to stay in bed a while longer, so that you feel better sooner.”

     “Aw, man!” Sarah said. “But wouldn’t it be neat to fly?”

    Her Mama paused for a second, and looked up to the ceiling in thought. “Hmm…” was all she said. 

    That piqued Sarah’s interest. “What, Mama?” She watched as her mother re-tucked the quilt around her then stand up. 

    “I think I have an idea. I’ll be right back!” Mama’s long brown hair swished behind her as she rushed out of the room with a mysterious smile on her face.

    Sarah was so curious about what Mama had up her sleeve that she forgot she was sick. She fiddled with the ears of her stuffed bunny named Baby. She heard her Mama walk to the kitchen and open the junk drawer where they kept markers, loose change and other odds and ends. Then she heard the door to the basement open, then close a few minutes after that. Soon her Mama returned with a permanent marker in one hand and a bright pink ball in the other. 

    “What are you doing, Mama?” Sarah asked.

    “You were talking about flying and wishes, and it reminded me of something. One time I was stuck home sick, just like you. It was right around my birthday and I was miserable. Your grandmother made me feel better by drawing me onto a toy and took me outside, to experience the outside through the toy.”

    Sarah wasn’t sure if she was being tricked, or if she should believe Mama. “Really? How?” she asked.

    “I don’t know how it worked, sweetie. But she did this,” Mama said, and uncapped the marker. She drew a stick figure of a little girl with curly hair, a triangle dress, cute little eyes and a happy smile.

    “Is that me?” Sarah asked. 

    “Yes, I think it looks like you! This is how you look when you feel well enough to play outside.”

    “Now what?”

    “Well,” Mama said, standing up. “First let’s open your curtains so that you can see outside. Then if you watch, I’m going to stand right outside your window, and toss this ball into the air. The Sarah on this ball will be flying, and maybe….just maybe…you’ll feel like you are flying, too!”

    A smile slowly crept across Sarah’s face. She thought it sounded too good to be true. But she almost always believed what Mama told her, so she decided she would believe her this time, too.

    Mama walked out of the room toward the back door. Sarah heard her slip on a jacket, then open and close the door. Seconds later, her Mama stood in front of the window. She looked in at Sarah and waved. Sarah smiled and waved back. Mama held the beautiful pink ball so that drawn Sarah was beaming back at real Sarah.

    Mama bent her knees to get lower to the ground, then she sprung up and tossed the ball so very high into the air. Sarah closed her eyes and couldn’t believe what happened.

    Now Sarah was flying, too! She felt her stomach flip-flop as she spun upward. She saw her blonde curls bounce carelessly around her shoulders. She looked down at the elegant pink dress floating lazily around her legs. She laughed as she watched the window of her parents’ bedroom get smaller and smaller. Sarah flung her arms out wide, pretending to be like the little birds on the quilt. All too soon, she reached the top of the ascent and lazily rolled down toward the ground. She watched as her Mama’s figure grew larger and larger, her outstretched hands ready to catch her.

    Mama caught her as gently as she could, and with a squeal of delight from Sarah, bent toward the ground again before springing up to send Sarah into flight. Once again Sarah watched the house and the trees get smaller and smaller. She held her arms out and felt the air around her caress her skin. It was the most beautiful moment, being suspended in air, seeing the fiery autumn trees paint the ground in reds, golds and browns. She felt light and happy and excited. She saw a great big world out there, and she wished she could look at the whole thing from her place in the air.

    But eventually, it was her turn to come back home. She felt herself falling toward the ground, her belly tickling as she came down…down…down. Again her Mama caught her. Mama held her up so that the real Sarah would see her.

    The real Sarah opened her eyes, and was once again snuggled underneath a quilt in her parents’ bed. Sarah smiled the biggest smile she’d ever had. Her Mama waved once more; Sarah returned the wave.

    Sarah looked down at her favorite quilt square and lovingly caressed it. Her mother came back inside, hung up her jacket and came to the bedroom doorway. 

    “So…how was it?” Mama asked with a grin.

    “I felt like I was really flying!” Sarah said happily. “But…how did you…how did I…?” Sarah’s head spun in circles as she tried to figure out how something so magical could feel so real.

    Mama simply smiled and said, “I don’t know how it works, exactly. But Grandma always said that a Mother’s love can make anything happen.” Mama came in and gave the pink ball to Sarah. Sarah snuggled even further under the quilt, placing the ball so that she could see the other Sarah, Flying Sarah, as she drifted off into a soft slumber where she dreamed about flying over the neighborhood and to beautiful places unseen.

    Kimberly Wolkens

  • The Pineal Door

    The Pineal Door

    Shawn McClure

    After we gave up our animals, my mother took me to visit Sassafras at his new home. He shared a pasture with a clique of ponies that all looked the same. They picked up their heads to watch us through their manes as we entered the gate. I felt sorry that my pony grazed apart from the group, but it also seemed like he knew how much more beautiful he was than the others. He snorted his little greeting in recognition of me as I approached. The others went back to their grass, and I pet his soft nose, talked to him a while, and said goodbye.

    In the road trips that followed, I moped in the back seat of the car. To escape chatter between my sisters, I projected my mind to the side of the road where I rode an invisible pony. We galloped through the roadside weeds, keeping even with the car. We leapt mailboxes, and rested at stop lights.

    Sometimes I never came home from these runs. My body went to bed, but my mind still covered impossible distances, leapt creeks, and galloped through tangled fields. We found a little place in the woods where the dusk rolled in and collected in a hollow. In that tidepool of night, I curled up on the moss, and rested in his radiant light.

    *

    The Pineal door exists, and I can go through it.

    I visualize myself not as flesh or cells, but as bricks of empty space, electrons that hurtle around a nucleus, locked in orbit like wild ponies that never tire, never wander.

    I keep still. I watch the dappled shade respond to the push and pull of a breeze. I watch my edges melt into my surroundings. My extremities soften, my boundaries smudge like charcoal. Some of my electrons escape their orbit to live in the summer air. My mind follows and hovers there, watching my body from above.

    I go back to a time and place that still exists for those of us who know where to look. I fly, but I feel the invisible tether, a nagging pull that wants to draw me back to my body. I resist. I move through the perpetual dusk, knowing my way, landing as a ghost. On the way to the field, I pause to pet Atlas the steer. I smell his sweet haybreath as I reach for his white forehead star. Fatcat rubs his jowels on the fence and purrs. Another day, I’ll visit only him.

    Sassafras knows I’m here. He snorts as always, stomps for attention, eager to run.

    I can stretch my tether to any place I long to be. Sometimes I go down to the pond and watch the blue heron, immobile as he hunts. Other times, I squeeze up between the ceiling and the hay bales to find Fatcat. He’s a soft tuxedo of fur, purring against my face, warming the eternal twilight. Most often, I project myself to the pasture. I squeeze through the fence rails, push through the overgrown clover, and scan the shadows for my strawberry roan. I find Sassafras sleeping in the weeds. I enter his dream and we go. When he leaps, it feels just like flying. 

    Shawn McClure

  • Submersion

    Submersion

    K.B. Carle

    1.

    My elevator has golden doors, rails covered in red velvet that feel like the hairs of a Rottweiler puppy I beg my father to buy. I am in a room of windows, rising into the clouds. To the darkness of space where my breath takes a form of its own in the etchings of the words I try to say. My elevator’s buttons are gone. I am floating until I’m not, body stolen from the floor to my elevator’s ceiling, waiting for the moment of impact. 

    2.

    My father betrays me from the stands encircled behind a wall made of windows to keep the chlorine and heat from seeping through. I am hoisted over the deep end by a swim instructor who insists today’s the day I tumble from the high dive. She dangles me in mid-air above another woman whose arms extend with promises to catch me. My frustrations of my father waving while I dangle in the air appear in the flailings of my helpless body falling into the open arms that await me. Arms that allow me to experience submersion before welcoming me back to the surface.

    3.

    I pace within my rising elevator, searching for starlight. For planets I know the names of in English and in Spanish but can’t say which falls closest to the Earth. I’ve never been one for Science. Logic steals from the stories I live in while my father is away and my mother’s body is framed under a single light at the desk someone built in our kitchen. I search for her amongst the stars, waiting by the phone, for a call from a job I don’t understand. But I fall away before I find her, my  fingertips grazing the velvet railing a moment too late.

    4.

    I disappear beneath the water to avoid the horde asking questions easily answered if these girls would only see me. Why do you always wear a swim cap? Because I can’t wash my hair like you do. The warmth of water does not cause the strands of my tight curls to fall limp, instead forming knots wound tight as your grandmothers’ yarn balls in protest. To wash my hair is a process that can take hours, depending how long I stay in the shower. Why can’t you just be like us? Because my skin is the color of an oak tree when cut down and left to fall in the forest.

    5.

    We are at a standoff. I refuse to approach and my elevator keeps its golden doors shut. For the first time, I am in a room with black floors that play smooth jazz with the shifting of my weight. My elevator’s revenge for my father’s stubbornness imprinted on me. I turn to leave. My elevator’s bell sounds. And we are falling together, my elevator and I, into the depths of a never ending pit to the sounds of what I would later know as Jr. Walker & The All Stars.

    6.

    I am a body of numbers when my senses start to fail. I am accustomed to the slow burn of chlorine. To the sounds of fathers coaching their daughters from the swimming pool’s edge. They are piranhas on leashes, my father included. All the girls wear swim caps forming rows of yellow, white and black buoys. I ignore the fact I can’t see beyond their caps, their figures outlines of the bodies they once were. A whistle blows. I’ll lose points for my inability to dive. Points I’ll make up for in speed, my body slipping beneath the water’s surface until I am ready to reappear.

    7.

    I pluck velveteen hairs from my elevator’s railing, waiting for my final descent. My words are stencils forming sentences along the windows that surround me. I know all the planets in English, that the Earth flirts with Venus and Mars. The ascension is taking longer than usual. My thoughts offend my elevator. There is no sound in space. Even when your throat extends to your stomach and your lungs collapse. Even when your screams shatter glass.

    8.

    I am Jaws, scouring the depths in search for my prey, my sinking pool ring. I rise with my victim in my clenched jaws, begging my father to swim with me. He refuses from his plastic recliner. I clutch my prey and spin. Feel its weight disappear from my grasp and wait for its splash and the ripple that will sway my body. Instead, there is a clatter and the sounds of my father’s feet pounding against tile. Can’t you see me? He asks. From my hiding place underwater I answer, no.

    9.

    My body is a prisoner surrounded by the glass, climbing above the clouds. To the skies where nothing exists. To space. To darkness. Then, we careen towards the earth together. My elevator and I.

    10.

    I trade my curls for long strands that form after soaking in chemical baths. I am a being on fire with chemical burns along my scalp seeking sanctuary in the frigid depths I’ve been expelled from. 

    11.

    I go inside my elevator willingly. List the planets in no particular order, pass between my parted lips and encircle me as I rise. The walls of my elevator part and the stars reveal themselves to me. A black hole comes and I accept their invitation to float through in hopes of discovering what lies beyond the gravitational wave. 

    12.

    How does a swimmer survive without water? My boyfriend asks from our sanctuary on the sand. I run his fingers through my damaged hair. He holds me close, whispers swim with me. I tell him I can’t see anymore. He kisses the surface of my eyelids. We jump through waves, form maelstroms made of salt and the incoming tide. I sink beneath the surface with a promise he won’t let go. The ocean is a fog I welcome while strands of my hair dance in obscured light.

    K.B. Carle

  • MOTHER EARTH CHANGES HER NAME TO SELENE

    MOTHER EARTH CHANGES HER NAME TO SELENE

    miss macross

    Today I received an email from the National Aviary. It was a follow-up to my job interview three months prior. It read something along the lines of:

    We apologize for the delayed response. We had an unexpected hiring furlough but are now ready to proceed. We would like to offer you the position of [INSERT DREAM TITLE HERE] with an immediate start date. 

    I received this email while I was at work. Now it is several hours later, and I have yet to respond. Instead, I am working on a longform investigative article with little prospect for publication. It is about the Apollo 11 and Apollo 17 lunar rock samples that then-U.S. President Richard Nixon gave as goodwill gifts to over 100 nations and states. Nixon had small Moon dust samples placed in acrylic capsules, which were then attached to wooden display stands with banal dedication inscriptions and depictions of each nation or state’s flag.

    Upon delivery of these goodwill gifts (which were distributed in the early 1970s), their fates were no longer tracked by NASA or any other U.S. entity. Many recipients thought of them as little more than a novelty item – if humanity had reached the Moon before, then we’d surely reach it again. The dust was essentially worthless. But the last manned Moon landing was on 1972, and the gifts are now worth millions of dollars.

    Dozens of these gifts have disappeared in the decades since the last Moon landing. Some have been found; in the strange cases of Colorado, Missouri, and Nebraska, they were later found in the homes of former state governors. In Alaska, the Apollo 11 sample was taken by a teenager from the ashes of a fire that destroyed the Alaska Transportation Museum in 1973.  

    Other samples were lost during political strife, like the Apollo 17 sample given to Cyprus around the time of their 1974 coup d’état. The Apollo 11 sample given to Spain disappeared following the death of General Francisco Franco. The Apollo 17 sample given to Romania disappeared in the years after former President Nicolae Ceaușescu’s execution by firing squad. Rumors of the fates of these gifts range from their destruction to their sale on the black market.

    Some of the goodwill gifts were blatantly stolen and have yet to be found. These include Sweden’s Apollo 11 sample, stolen from a museum in 2002, and Malta’s Apollo 17 sample, stolen in 2004. These thefts have largely baffled both scientists and law enforcement officers, as without proper documentation these samples are totally unverifiable and completely worthless. And yet, years have passed without a single lead in almost every lunar sample theft case known in the world. 

    I’m not sure why this topic caught my eye, but I fell down the rabbit hole of missing space rocks while researching lost works of art and media. As it turns out, there are lots of things missing in this world. Some are movies made on flammable film, or censured books. In the case of the Amber Room, an entire Wonder of the World can go missing. Lots of people go missing every day – some through foul play, while others simply decide to walk away from their lives and into oblivion. While writing this, I am thinking about the latter option. How viable is it to disappear oneself today, in a world of ubiquitous technology and obnoxious-but-supposedly necessary legal identification requirements? If specks of dust worth more than I’ll ever earn in my lifetime can disappear, then I should be able to, too, right?

    After I came home from work, I re-read the email. The job offer has rattled in my heart and brain all day. I am happy at my current job, but I am also not happy. The pros and cons of each position are seemingly equal. If I were to quit my job tomorrow, would I be able to provide an honest reason, one that will let me sleep at night? I am the only one at my current job with my particular skillset. I suddenly feel an increased sense of worth, but I don’t see somewhere to cash out. Honestly, I don’t think that either are the best choice. Maybe I’ll never respond to that email. Maybe I won’t go into work tomorrow. I choose to spend my evening finishing another beer and researching missing pieces of humanity’s history.

    miss macross